


In My Arms

by Kai_nimura



Category: Yoroiden Samurai Troopers | Ronin Warriors
Genre: Angst, M/M, Suicide, Suicide Notes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-02
Updated: 2016-09-02
Packaged: 2018-08-12 15:31:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,426
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7939816
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kai_nimura/pseuds/Kai_nimura
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is my interpretation of an Epilogue to "At The Stars" by Morphaileffect. Please read that first.  I wrote this after being encouraged to do so by Moonrabbitlove, here on AO3. Who is writing the prequel to the same fic.</p>
<p>~</p>
<p>Ryo only had the best of intentions.  </p>
<p>Touma only had the best of intentions.</p>
<p>Seiji only had the best of intentions.</p>
<p>What they all lacked, was the ability to actually talk to each other, and now it was too late.</p>
            </blockquote>





	In My Arms

**Author's Note:**

  * For [moonrabbitlove](https://archiveofourown.org/users/moonrabbitlove/gifts).
  * Inspired by [At the Stars](https://archiveofourown.org/works/303546) by [morphaileffect](https://archiveofourown.org/users/morphaileffect/pseuds/morphaileffect). 



> (In My Arms by Qulinez)
> 
> This is my interpretation of an Epilogue to "At The Stars" by Morphaileffect. Please read that first. I wrote this after being encouraged to do so by Moonrabbitlove, here on AO3. Who is writing the prequel to the same fic.
> 
> I do not personally know Morphaileffect, this is simply my version of events following their fic. Please read it.

"God save us from people who mean well." - Vikram Seth, A Suitable Boy

Touma had been missing for two long years. Only two, no more, no less. He had been able to vanish rather successfully, which was vital to what he had to do. What he believed he had to do. The full extent to that would only be discovered later.

~

Whatever the afterlife could be called, it was peaceful. 

Seiji's version at least was. At first he wondered why he didn't just reincarnate, but then he realized perhaps it was better this way. He would wait for them, and when they all joined him, they would go on together.

"Seiji," He wasn't alone there, ancestors of his where still around. "Someone is here to see you."

Seiji's eyes slid open, he had been calmly mediating, there in this -place- he was young and healthy again. The passage of time was difficult to figure out, but soon he paid no attention it. "Hm?" He turned around from his spot, a beautiful forest, a waterfall and him. The way the light passed through the trees made the entire place look rather ethereal. 

But his eyes grew wide at the figure he saw, his heart broke at the sight. "No." He whispered. This couldn't be right, -he- couldn't be there. -HE- shouldn't be there. 

~

"They found Touma."

It was a phone call Ryo had hoped for. Dreamed of perhaps? "Touma's been found?!?" His excitement was understandable, "Where is he? Can I see him? Talk to him?" But it was the silence, that stilled his breathe and caused fear to fill him. "Shu?"

"Ryo. Touma's dead." His voice sounded raw, and the exhaustion in his words where now noticeable. Shu sounded like he had spent the past hour? no Hours, crying, he had expected that Touma might be dead. But he still had hope that he would be located alive. "He was found in a hotel, in Kobe. Suicide by Morphine injection. There was a letter."

Ryo was silent, his ability to stand was taken from him. The apartment would forever be as it was, filled with memories and echos, of not just one friend. But now two. "Why..." Ryo's heart was breaking, the more he came to realize that Touma wasn't coming back. "What happened? How?"

Shu could be heard sniffling, "His mother called me. It's messed up. The whole thing. It was, she said the police told her. It looked like he had help. He used cash for that hotel room, but the staff said they didn't see anyone with him. But someone called the police and told them about a suicide at that hotel, in his room."

"So maybe he was murdered?" Ryo's hope that maybe, just maybe his friend hadn't done this.

A broken laugh on the other end of the phone. "Yea, except he looked fine. His parents ID'd his body. his hair was cut, he was clean, new clothes even. He must have had a friend somewhere, and whoever that was, must have helped him do this. I don't know what to think about this Ryo. But I called Shin. He's heading to Kyoto. It's where his parents are, they want to give us the letter that was found. I'm going to head over in the morning. I'm sorry Ryo. I need to go, I can't talk about this any longer. I'm sorry." The phone line went dead.

Ryo pulled the phone away from his ear, he stared at it. This couldn't be real. Touma was supposed to come home, it was all supposed to be ok, and Touma would have understood why Ryo did what he did. They could be happy, like how Seiji wanted. He promised Seiji that he would take care of Touma.

But Touma was dead.

Ryo put the phone away, -This isn't real-. He looked around, it couldn't be real. No, of course not. Any moment now Touma was going to walk through that door and everything would be ok. 

Ryo tided up the apartment in anticipation for Touma's return, for Touma to show up and tell him it was all a big joke. He made dinner, something he knew Touma would like.

He waited.

And he waited some more.

It began to sink in, reality. Touma wasn't coming home. Instead there would be a funeral. Out of the five of them, two where dead before they reached the age of 30. Illness took Seiji, while suicide took Touma. Another funeral.

Ryo cleaned up the food, putting it away as leftovers. He found an uneasy sleep that night.

~

Standing there, on a beautiful, sunny, spring morning. Ryo watched Shu and Shin walk over to him, they had agreed to meet Touma's parents in a public park. They had mentioned over the phone to Shu that they would not stay long. They had a funeral to prepare for.

Shu looked exhausted, his eyes where still red from crying. Shin didn't look any better. Ryo wondered why he hadn't shed tears yet. Maybe it was because none of this seemed real. The idea of Touma being dead, that TOUMA took his own life, seemed so unreal to him.

They exchanged basic pleasantries, offered sympathy to Touma's parents when they arrived. They stared at the letter that was placed in Shu's hands.

Somewhere private, Shu rented a back room at a cafe. Somewhere private to read that letter.

"I'm scared to read this." Shu whispered as he set it down on the table before them, "I can't open this."

Shin took it, before Ryo could touch it. He fingers moved carefully, opening the envelope, pulling out the hand written pages inside. Touma's handwriting was clean and neat. As if he had been careful with every word he wrote. Every character, every line. Shin took a breathe, sipping his tea before he started reading it out loud.

"If you are reading this, I'm dead."

"Is that how I should start this? Maybe that's too direct. Let's try again."

"I'm sorry."

"In order for you to understand that, I need to tell you what I did, what I've done, why I did it, and what I had hoped to achieve. But to explain all of it, would require more pages then I am willing to write. So I'll make it simple. I made a machine that could save Seiji by transferring the life from one of us, to him. Of course, it could also take life, energy from everything else."

"But the amount needed, would be devastating. So you can understand why I didn't do that."

"Shu, It's my fault you got sick. I tested it on you first. Then I used Shin, It's my fault you almost died. I am sorry for that. I am sorry for what I did to both of you."

"So I had a plan, and all it required was a little sacrifice on my behalf. It would have worked, but it didn't. I didn't take into account Ryo's ability to completely fuck it up, by doing what he does best."

There was hurt, venom in those written words.

"And what he does best, is trying to save everyone at the cost of himself. I was ready to die for Seiji. I did things I can't explain in here. Things that I'm not proud of. I can't tell you what I did, I want you to have some form of respect for me when this is done. I'm sorry."

"I was never Seiji's first choice. But he has always been mine. He's been the only one I ever desired, loved, still love. Just him. But It's hard to describe the pain, knowing the one you want most, has eyes for someone else."

"Seiji loved Ryo, long before he ever may have loved me. I wonder now, if this never happened. If he never got sick would he have seen me? Was all of this just because I was there durning this? Was our entire relationship built upon death?"

"The books he wrote, where always for Ryo. I'm wisdom, of course I knew. I knew how Seiji felt for Ryo, I knew how Seiji still felt for Ryo, even when I was the one in his bed. But still, I knew he would have been happier with Ryo then with me. How could he not? If he was well, and healthy again, he could have that happiness with Ryo. All of our memories surrounded his illness, with that gone, what use was I?"

"I would be a reminder of his illness, or he'd stay with me out of pity. He was my first -everything-. He was my -only everything-. The joy I felt that moment he kissed me, maybe he no longer desired Ryo. Maybe he saw -me-. But he wrote for Ryo, he poured his soul and life into those books, for Ryo."

"I guess, I wanted Ryo to push the button to end my life to save Seiji, as a form of karmic punishment. But now, I'm not sure who I wanted to punish. Ryo for being Seiji's desire? Or myself?"

"I wanted Seiji to be happy with someone, who he truly loved. Someone who he wanted to be with. Not someone who he was with because he was sick. I know he wouldn't have ever seen me if it wasn't for this. Ironic then, is that even the right word for this? I did what I thought was right to save the one I love. I believed he would have forgiven me in time."

"As I hope, you all will forgive me for this."

"Where I've been these past two years, is something I can't explain. I'm sorry, but I'm doing this to protect something. What it is, will come to light soon enough. I owed a favor, a rather huge favor. I was in debt, not money. My debt is paid."

"Shin, I'm sorry for what I did to you. I hope you are happy in your life and future. I hope that someday, you forgive me for what I did, and what I've done. Try to remember me before all of this happened. "

"Shu, I'm sorry. I know it would mean more if I said this to your face. But if I did, I know you would have been able to stop me. Someday Forgive me. Even if you only forgive me when we see each other again. You have always been a dear friend to me, you accepted me when I was young, easier then others did. You taught me a lot about friendship. Thank you for that."

"Ryo, I've been mad at you for a long time. It took awhile for me to understand why you may have done this. Why you went against a simple request. But in hindsight, I should have automated it. I made a mistake in trusting you to be able to do something that would harm one of us. You always where willing to shed blood for us, to feel pain for us, you would have died for us. I should have known that would never change."

"Please understand this, He was my life. As selfish as that sounds, he was. I look back at everything, and he was my world. I only ever wanted to see him happy. For awhile, I was happy that I could be the reason he was happy. At least I hope that I did that for him a few times. I lost the love of my life, Ryo. He died and I couldn't save him. Everything I did, everything I gave up was for him."

"Isn't that was love is? To be willing to give everything up to save someone you care for? But I'm not a good example for knowing much about love, or proper relationships."

"I forgive you Ryo. As much as I am able to. Forgive me for not being able to return. Forgive me for this. We recovered from every battle, but this is one that dealt a fatal blow to me."

"I'm sorry. - Touma "

Shu sat there in silence, his face stuck in a look of shock. He was speechless and lost. His right hand went to his face, his eyes where squeezed shut. He was silent in his tears.

Shin however retained his composure long enough to carefully fold up the letter and slip it back in the envelope. Setting it back down on the table and folding his arms to hide his face. He held back a hard sob for only a moment before he crumbled at his friend's words.

Ryo took that letter and held it, he pulled it back out and re read it, again and again. Hoping it wasn't real. But it was. "I...Seiji. He wanted me to take care of Touma. He knew I was drawn to Touma... He thought I could make Touma happy." Tears ran down his face. "I didn't want Touma to die. I wanted to see Touma happy with Seiji."

Ryo went silent, They all messed up. Ryo had wanted Touma happy with Seiji, Seiji wanted Touma happy with Ryo, and Touma wanted Seiji happy with Ryo. They all wanted happiness for someone else, but none of them thought to actually tell everyone involved.

This mistake, shared among three men, cost two lives. And would leave Ryo broken hearted for the rest of his. But Ryo would live. He would decide to live for them, to carry his friends in his heart. 

That was just how he was.

~

Seiji stared at Touma in shock. "No. Touma, You can't be here." He took a step forward, then another and as many as it took for him to reach out and touch the archer.

"It's nice to see you too Seiji." Touma made a joke, in a time like this. He made a joke. "I.. I missed you."

"DAMNIT TOUMA! WHAT DID YOU DO?" Seiji grabbed him and stared at him, "Touma?"

Touma made eye contact with his lover, "I died Seiji, by my own choice. I thought that would be obvious." He reached out and touched Seiji's face, his thumb brushed over Seiji's lips. "I missed you. Beloved."

"Ryo? What about Ryo?"

Touma's small smile fell, as he took a step back. Away from Seiji. His eyes drifted downwards. He looked so defeated. "Always Ryo." He shook his head, "Why would that change. I thought the pain would stop after I died. I didn't think I could have my heart broken like this again after death." He whispered to himself, "I was wrong of course."

Seiji looked at him, confused. "Touma..." He reached out for him, to have Touma step away again, avoiding his touch. 

"Tell me the truth Seiji, if you never got sick. Would you have ever loved me?" Touma's voice held tension and hurt. "Would you have ever figured out that I liked you?"

"..." Silence, Seiji blinked back tears. He stood there and lowered his head.

"I thought as much." Touma chuckled at first, but then he broke. He couldn't look at Seiji. "Why, why did you even let me think you loved me? Why'd you ever touch me? Why did you kiss me? WHY DID YOU FUCK ME SEIJI? I was FINE admiring you from afar, I was fine with the idea, no the belief that you where fucking unreachable. "

"I admit, it was a mistake to kiss you." Seiji tried his best to compose himself. But in the face of this fact - Touma was dead -.It was rather hard to do. "But I don't regret it, I don't regret anything with you. I do love you Touma, just as I love Ryo."

"You died for him, didn't you? You fucked me and left me. You left me to die for him." There was anger in his voice.

"I had sex with my BOYFRIEND, and knew my FRIEND who I swore to protect and give my life for was in trouble. I asked Ryo to take care of you for me, to help you be happy again. Ryo cares for you, Touma." Seiji was stern and calm at first, but sincere at the end.

"I NEVER FOUND RYO ATTRACTIVE LIKE THAT SEIJI!" Touma shouted at him, looking at him. "It was YOU, It had always been YOU. It will always BE YOU." He shook his head, "I knew you where in love with Ryo. I knew you wrote the books for him, they where love letters to him. He had your heart in a way you never gave me. God, I begged whatever power exists that I might be allowed to be selfish and know how that felt. To be loved that deeply by someone."

Seiji stared at Touma, meeting Touma's glare. He watched as Touma broke down, falling to his knees in hard broken sobs. "Touma.." He got on his knees before him and pulled Touma into his arms, letting the other bury his face into his neck. "I made so many mistakes with you, I'm sorry. I'm sorry Touma. You deserved a better lover then me. You deserved to be happy, not end up here, not like this." He embraced him, holding him close and nuzzling him. "I love you Touma. I loved Ryo. I knew it was my time, if it was you instead of Ryo, I would have done the same."

Touma was quiet, listening to Seiji speak. His eyes where closed as he listened to Seiji's voice,

"I made a mistake in prioritizing Ryo, above you. I made a mistake in not talking to you about it. I gave you my body Touma, I gave you my weakness, I gave you my trust and comfort. You are the only one I could do that with, and I was a fool and idiot for not being more obvious about it. I do love you Touma." He looked down at the man in his arms, "If I could have married you, I would have proposed to you."

Touma looked up at him, "Seiji?"

Seiji sighed and lifted Touma's chin to kiss him. "But we have the rest of forever to work through this. I do love you Touma, I'm sorry."

Touma wrapped his arms around Seiji and returned that kiss. "I love you Seiji."

Seiji held onto Touma like that for a long time. When his grip on the other finally eased up, he ran his fingers through Touma's hair. He looked so much healthier and younger. Seiji had always found Touma attractive, but he never thought much of it. Perhaps it was Touma's behavior at first, his lack of a filter in his words. He was brilliant but he could also be rather harsh.

Seiji understood that it wasn't until he saw Touma's ability to give himself so completely for someone else that he realized he loved him. Perhaps he had always held something for him, it just took this amount of chaos to force him to do something about it.

Seiji held Touma in his arms, looking at the person he loved so deeply it broke his heart knowing that he had also suffered so much. That Touma had broken so badly he wasn't able to recover from it. Seiji would never ask Touma what he did, he knew somehow that Touma would have destroyed the world to save him. But instead Touma chose to destroy himself. Seiji's death didn't change that mindset.

"Seiji?" Touma whispered to him, "When Ryo joins us here...someday. Please don't leave me for him." 

Seiji smiled softly at him, "My heart is yours alone. Here and into whatever comes next for us," Seiji thought on what he was about to say, what he was about to do. "I would bind my soul to yours for eternity. I'm never leaving you again." Seiji kissed his lover, his soul mate. In the years since his death Seiji had time to reflect upon his life, his interactions. He had understood what he lusted after Ryo with wasn't healthy, he understood that he hurt the one person he did have a healthy relationship with. As healthy as it was before he got sick. His relationship with Touma had been built upon trust and time together, the connection they shared between each other. A connection he didn't have with Ryo. He knew Ryo would be fine without him.

But now with Touma back in his arms, he remembered how good this had always felt. After New York he was still weak and exhausted, while Ryo went out mourning Luna, Touma stayed by his side and took care of him. They through out their entire lives of knowing each other, clicked on a level that matched them up. They could play games of Go against each other and enjoy it, Touma noticed when things where wrong with Seiji before anyone else.

Seiji made so many mistakes with Touma, next time. -Next time-. He thought to himself, -I won't. At least I hope not.- Seiji understood the power behind his vow to Touma. With his words he binded their souls together. Here they where healthy and young again, early 20s. Here they would both wait for the others.

Then someday, they would all go on, to whatever came next. To be reincarnated again, but as things worked with them, their armors had binded them together. They would always meet each other, always be friends. But now, Seiji would always belong to Touma, as Touma would always belong to Seiji. It was a large price to pay for so much pain. But it was a price Seiji was more then willing to pay. Touma had always been there for him. Now, he'd always be there for Touma.

~

Five years after Touma's death, Ryo found himself sitting on a park bench sipping on a coffee. He still mourned his friends. But he was moving on with his life as best he could. Shin was happily married, Shu had gotten married rather recently as well. Shin was a father now. Shu would be a father in a few months.

He looked across the park and watched a scene unfold that confused him.

He recognized two people, Touma's mother and father?

Two young women he didn't recognize.

And a little boy, trying to walk and read a book at the same time, with messy hair that matched his eyes.

Ryo stared at this sight before him.

~

Touma had a son. 

"I've known Touma for years, we went to the same school together." He had approached the group and was now talking to one of the young women. Nakamura Ichigo. The mother of the child. 

They watched the little boy argue with the other young woman, Makoto. He didn't want to go play with the other kids, he wanted to read his book. Or have ice cream, he couldn't decide. He whimpered when his book was taken off him, and hid behind his grandfather, who did his best to console the upset child. While his grandmother went to get a drink out of a vending machine for him. 

"Where you and him?" Ryo looked over at the young woman, a clean cut bobbed hairstyle. 

"Touma was as attracted to men as I am attracted to women, Makoto is my girlfriend. We raise Hiro together, but in the end. Touma and I had an agreement, I wanted a child, he knew any child should be attached to his family register. I paid off a few officials to keep our 'marriage' a secret, at least until Hiro was born. Had to keep that quiet as well. It was costly but it worked."

Ichigo was part of a rather powerful family, one with questionable ties. She, herself worked at a museum as a curator. While Makoto owned a fashion boutique. Their home was where Touma had hidden in the two years before his death.

Ichigo had been the one to assist Touma in his suicide, and called the police for him. "Before you ask, Ryo. Yes Touma knew his son before he died. Hiro was too young to remember meeting him. For a while Touma was a good a father, a loving father. But there was a sadness to him that infected everything around him. I never asked why he needed money, why he needed...equipment. In return for my silence and help, he would give me and Makoto the one thing we both wanted."

"A child?" Ryo stared at the little boy who was now flipping over a rock and looked quite disgusted at the bugs he found under the rock.

"A child." She smiled watching her son. "I love my son with all my heart, and I thank Touma every day for him. I helped him end everything because I owed him that much. To ask for a child is no small favor to ask." She smirked, "And it took a lot of alcohol for both of us to even conceive him."

Ryo smiled, he could feel tears daring to show themselves. "This is what he was protecting."

"Ryo, I know you live in his old apartment. Makoto and I have a large house. You can come live with us, I want my son, to know his father, before his father fell into darkness. Touma told us a lot about you, how he trusted you. How you betrayed his trust, but how he forgave you. I will never attempt to understand Touma's frame of mind when he took his own life, I never questioned it. Perhaps I should have, but I felt that he deserved control over his own life. I didn't stay and watch. He told me to leave, and call the police two hours later. I did that. I'd be thankful if you didn't tell anyone. I'd rather not get arrested for that." Ichigo sighed, "Hiro is a good son. He's so smart and clever, oh but so stubborn. Think about it Ryo. Hiro could use an uncle Ryo in his life."

And think about it he did.

Six months later, Ryo had moved out of the old apartment, packed up his friends' old belongings and brought them with him to his new home with Ichigo, Makoto, and Hiro. In the attic, the boxes containing Seiji and Touma's memories would sit.

Someday those boxes would open, and Ryo would tell a teenage Hiro all about his father, and his father's beloved. Ryo would be like a father to Hiro.

Life isn't easy nor is it perfect, but sometimes it works itself out.


End file.
